Beloved Leader

I'm Outta Here, Bitches, For Reals!

2011-12-19T12:34:00.003+09:00

As I slip into comfortable numbness, I'd like to thank Cowboy Blob for teaching my blog cadre a thing or two about the Internets, blogging, and Photoshop. As a nominal Godless Communist (my Daddy was God-like, right?) I guess I go to my reward thankful for no Hell that some believe.

The light has a reddish tinge. Do I smell sulphur...?

Who's Mickey?

2009-08-16T10:24:00.001+09:00

Hat tip to The Knowledge is Power

Got in a Get Well Card

2009-07-15T22:39:00.000+09:00

Where is the Shena-ni River, anyways?

Did I Post This Before?

2009-07-10T16:29:00.000+09:00

My new blog cadre says not, but she looks familiar.

Long Time

2009-07-10T16:10:00.003+09:00

All right, people, I am a very busy man, what with accelerating the nuclear program and launching some old ballistic missiles to make the pants squishy in Washington. Here is a clip from the Songun Blog, which I am told on on my side bar. I can not see it from here, so take my word for it. They do good work there, I hear.

If only Obama Healthcare could be this good.

Look What I got in the Post

2009-07-09T16:00:00.000+09:00

Good thing there were air holes.

I had to send back three last month.

Korean Word of the Month

2009-04-05T12:22:00.002+09:00

Uju Sonsu - Cosmonaut

Yes, I know have not blogged for quite a while. I was too excited over this that I kept away from the Internets for quite a while -- of course, traveling to the Northeast, that sort of goes without saying. "Can you hear me now?" No, comrade! "Can you hear me now?" *BANG!* You are pissing me off, Comrade!

Anyway, the vehicle made its lift-up and delivered its payload, an astronaut analog, pleasantly downrange. By "analog," I mean the asshole who sank half my foreign capital into Polaroid stocks before they went bust, then had the unwise filial piety to come back to Japan to visit his mother. A bullet was too good for that pyongshin! I treasure the recordings of his screams as he was careening toward the heavens, then the change in pitch when he realized he wasn't going to get a nice relaxing death from suffocation.

His mother and I had something going on, once upon a time. I will have to send her something nice. Have you ideas?

Korean Word of the Month

2009-01-30T09:30:00.003+09:00

Aggim Omnun Sarang - A Love with No Holding Back. Sounds romantic, but I cannot afford that. I must leave a little something-something for the girls on the night shift, no?

I Miss Those Days

2009-01-30T09:22:00.002+09:00

Blog Awards?

2009-01-30T08:59:00.002+09:00

What is a Blog Award? Reader Roboseyo informed me to his Korea Sparkle, where somehow I am in the Funniest Blog list. He thinks I am FUNNY? Is that mirth-inducing HOHO FUNNY? Slip-on-the-ice HEHE FUNNY? Or Funny like that Colonel in the 55th Regiment they caught wearing the black rubber underwear?

I am listed above these blogs:

Chubbo Chubbington
Dokdo Is Ours
Eat Your Kimchi
George Goes Korean
I Got 2 Shoes
Stuff Korean Moms Like
A White Man In Korea

but do not assume the fix is on it. Once we locate a new blogroll cadre, I must have them add these presumably entertaining blogs. That is, unless they are rubber-underwear-funny.

What is that?

2008-11-21T07:55:00.001+09:00

A radio?

Is she trying to sell me something?

Korean Word of the Month

2008-11-21T07:40:00.003+09:00

Kohyorap - High blood pressure.

I got checked up this week.

I am a finely tuned, highly strung instrument of rulership.

You know, like a kayagum. That is like a banjo.

What game is this?

2008-11-21T07:28:00.003+09:00

Marshal Kang plays something like, but I can not get it into such games.

I like Leisure Suit Larry.

Those Hawaiians get Around

2008-10-08T01:59:00.000+09:00

Annyong, Bitches!

2008-10-05T03:21:00.002+09:00

What? You thought I was dead?

Oh, come now. It will more than a few grams of rat poison to take down the Beloved Leader! Thank O Jin-u's ghost that they could not get their mitts on some of that radioactive stuff from the Russians! I have maintained a low profile mainly to give my rash time to clear up. No, Clearasil did not work.

Way to SUCK, Hugo!

2008-08-26T07:27:00.002+09:00

Pardon my talking the trash, but I can not let my good Socialist Comrade Hugo Chavez live this one down. His team brought a mere bronze medal home -- and this in Taekwondo, where two bronzes award. What is the matter, Hugo, all your athletes are playing baseball in America? And do not give me shit about our medal count. I cannot tell you how many southern puppet-state athletes are really plants from the North. Well, I could tell you then I would have you killed. So what is the point?

The point is I have more gold in my stool than adorns the necks of Venezuelans!

Mmmm... Goldschlager.

2008-08-26T07:05:00.000+09:00

Overall, Good Haul

2008-08-26T06:48:00.003+09:00

Yes, the medals are nice. But the important thing was getting the athletes back! Good work, fellows!

I have your special noodle, Comrade

2008-08-25T08:06:00.000+09:00

If this sells well in western diet stores, screw the masses, that is valuable foreign currency!

So Funny, Reuters

2008-08-09T22:42:00.003+09:00

I forget to laugh.

This moron Basler is ripping off out of my blog archives and probably gets paid for it.

Does not this clown know nervous laughter when he sees? Some days when I am bored, I string together a monologue off-the-cuff with some random subjects like wicker baskets, years-end production quota, pig manure, and political cadre. The most coherent of these get written up as "On-the-Spot Guidance," while the others are attributed to "Beloved Leader's Humor."

See they all have pen and paper?

When the Guidance is as convoluted as if Dennis Miller were writing for The Family Guy, I tend to crack up myself, and let the boys in on the joke.

Dennis Miller and Family Guy are American popular culture icons I have a research team explain to me.

See You in Beijing!

2008-08-09T08:40:00.000+09:00

Chink Grabass

2008-08-07T05:55:00.000+09:00

I Feel So Dirty Some Times

2008-08-04T05:49:00.002+09:00

But I get over it.

The Bodyguards

2008-07-08T03:30:00.003+09:00

The hair is back to normal this month.

Speaking of month, next week I plan to lock myself in my room. Yes, they are synched.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

2008-07-07T14:58:00.004+09:00

What can I tell you about my summer vacation last month? I almost got killed, but a good time was had by all, so the saying goes. I was kicking back and chilling at my remote villa on Mount Paekdu, reflecting on the day to commemorate the 1950 invasion of aggression launched by the imperialist Americans and their southern lapdog puppets. I was reflecting with a bottle of Gaston de Casteljac cognac, three Indonesian gymnasts, and a cassette of bootlegged (is that right?) Barry Manilow concerts.

My reverie was interrupted by a panicked phone call from the villa defense command post. Several sentries has failed to check in on time and three security cameras had gone out. What to expect from cheap webcams I can not say, but the trick chief was quiet exercised about it. Results turned out he was right, but tell his widow that. Airborne assault? Assassins? An raid of elite SEAL commandos? Seems it was one "G.I" determined to make his most recent turn to occupy south Korea his last. The after action report declares this barbarian killed an entire platoon of light infantry with his bare hands one at a time and dispatched four watch tower sentries with thrown playing cards. I was incredulous at that last, but they say MythBusters proved that one. This lone juggernaut was halted only by my female Bodyguard Bureau, who had all dyed their hair red this month (Special Red Star Order 6.15 Number 13467). Seems he has a thing for Asian Redheaded Girls... at least that was his story under interrogation.

No' torture or pentathol required... I resolved to question this killing machine myself; I could learn a thing or two of the art and science from the intruder who was by now pinned to my shag carpeting by a squad of hard-bodied (B-cup minimum, however) unfreckled Korean Ginger Girls dressed in skimpy white Wilma Deeringesque costumes. (Do not ask me why... I prefer them in the Amazon moon maiden outfits, but they do not always ask me.

I did not expect to break him so easily, but I fancy myself a persuasive intelligence; plus I noted his eyes shifted between my bodyguard and the beer cooler beneath the giant picture of my Departed Daddy. After a short dozen droughts of assorted barley pop from the furthest reaches of the world, he began pouring out his life's story. I offered the finest of Korean cuisine, but he insisted on a burger from my gourmet chef. I must admit to have met a fine character. It would have been a shame to "terminate" or imprison him. He made it a moot point -- after regaling me with an incredulous tale to match the interestingly titled batch of Kiltlifter Scottish ale we tried great frothy mugsful at a time (this man really should blog!) , he kicked my prized lava lamp into the fireplace, creating a flash fire and pall of smoke. My bodyguard must have shamefully been grooving on or pacified by this beast, because they were slow to shield me with their bodies... and completely missed this character acrobatically cartwheeling through the open window with a prized bottle of VSOP in one hand and a rapidly emptying Skorpion machine-pistol in the other. Shit. My anal sphincter inhaled a swatch of rich Corinthian leather from my couch before it was all over. I am too old for this.

If this character shows up anywhere in south Korea again, I am farging nuking the place, so help me Daddy.

Obama!

2008-06-26T21:23:00.006+09:00

At last, an American president I can deal with! World Socialism has finally fought through to the White House in the form of a blackish Arab man who really gets the crowds excited. I have not seen such adoring fervor from a propaganda arm since Father was alive -- not that I am bitter about that. I am more laid back than the Kim Supreme. And more laid if I may say so modestly. All the gushing from KCNA does not move me.

Oh, where was I? Barack Hussein Obama. What a cipher. My Overseas Bureau Research Section has dug up next to nothing on his government record. I had the Director thrown in chains. (Maybe he can find coal better than find political intelligence nuggets.)

Sure, a secret land deal here, association with revolutionaries there. Bah! He probably was not even born in America. What a breath of fresh air! The masses will carry him to power and, at last, a brother socialist can deal with me as a near equal (he is not Korean, after all). I hope I can meet him before he summits with Ahmadinajad... a tongue bath is not so enjoyable when you know where the tongue has been!

One thing puzzles me about all the Obama Guevera imagery... who the hell has this man killed? Sure, there is a trail dead bodies behind the Clinton duo, but who has this mystery man rubbed out? You can not have a revolution without breaking a few heads. Perhaps the blood will flow after he takes over the Oval Office. The masses must see his potential; can see the severed heads of capitalist robber barons adorning the White House fence. That would be an awesome time for my first State Visit to Washington.

This one I do not understand.

LOL

2008-06-26T21:21:00.001+09:00

Better?

2008-06-23T23:53:00.003+09:00

Short and Simple

2008-06-23T23:22:00.002+09:00

Just the sort of this my Tourism Bureau should use. We will use better-attired models, however.

Korean Word of the Month

2008-06-08T02:55:00.003+09:00

Hyok-myong - Revolution

The down-trodden masses in the south are fed up with being fed tainted beef from the despoiling Yankee dogs! That is likely what killed these thugs, who get fed first.

Marshal Min suggested there were many volunteers in the provinces who would food-safety-test the beef for their southern brothers. I must think on this before making the offer.

Not Another!

2008-05-03T19:52:00.002+09:00

This one calls himself Great Reader. Indeed. Seems he blogs in a soju-haze, so it will not be hard to get close to him. More wet work for the Overseas Bureau! Promotions in that department are very competitive, so watch this blog closely!

Sighs. I slack off blogging for a while and every yahoo moves to meet the need that I best fulfill.

Overfed

2008-05-03T05:54:00.002+09:00

Hat tip to JBM

Revolutionary

2008-05-02T12:00:00.001+09:00

Self-loading Baggage

2008-05-01T04:25:00.002+09:00

I see that they were paying by the kilo, so they sent the little one.

Big whoop.

Bothers the Fishes

2008-04-25T09:49:00.000+09:00

Look, They are Trainable

2008-04-25T09:31:00.000+09:00

It is no Song of the Fatherland, but...

The Difference

2008-04-16T11:49:00.004+09:00

Theirs.

Ours.

Ours are jet-powered.

Korean Word of the Month

2008-04-16T11:34:00.003+09:00

Kang-jung kang-jung - Boing Boing

Not much time for blogging with the lead-up to the Arirang Festival taking up hours of my duty day. And all the visitors encrouching on my relaxation time. And as much as I adored my Father, the Great Leader, Pole Star of the Revolution, could you just shut up about Him while you are romancing the royal kochu? It is like He is watching. And I hated when He did that.

World Premier

2008-03-28T21:11:00.002+09:00

I am exhausted, but I think it was worth it.

I can put video on the blog! It takes me forever to watch these. Open the Tubes from the browser, start the video, read a book, watch the red line, issue some scathing on-the-spot instructions, watch the red line, address the masses, watch the red line. Great O Jin-u's Ghost, I hate dial-up.

Here is something entertaining from the Songun Blog.

Better than the Symphony

2008-02-27T03:51:00.002+09:00

Performance art!

I had my people leg-boot (is that right?) some New York Philharmonics tunes for later.

Take That, Omar!

2008-02-18T02:35:00.002+09:00

I'm Number One!

This is the best Birthday EVER!

Korean Word of the Month

2008-02-07T03:41:00.000+09:00

Taechong - Symmetry.

She could have more.

2008-02-01T05:04:00.000+09:00

Aloha!

2008-02-01T04:07:00.000+09:00

This blog is still here? I have been busy setting the New Year's production quotas, scientific goals, and hemlines. That and pulling the American chain.

Why should I blog when they have professionals doing it now? He is not that good, but there is a writer strike ongoing.

I will check in my photoshop cadre sometime.

I Knew a Girl Similar

2007-11-21T22:11:00.001+09:00

Good Play, Comrade Hu

2007-11-03T20:19:00.001+09:00

Korean Word of the Month

2007-11-02T09:08:00.000+09:00

Haejok - Pirate.

You may have heard one of my ship's crews foiled a pirate attack off the coast of Somalia. What match is a gang of skinny black thugs against the wiry sons of the Fatherland with revolutionary fervor burning in their hearts? Of course, a contributing factor is that, weary of Lloyd's of London's ghastly premiums, I took out my own insurance policy. I call it Songnim ~~Labor Camp~~ Productivity Center. Yes, the crew's loved ones are overjoyed and proud of their sons' bravery.

I think I shall have them fed this week.

The Americans are lucky that we withheld our righteous fury when they just happened to appear at the end. We could have taken them also, but had a valuable shipment of rock candy to safeguard.

Korean Word of the Month

2007-10-07T09:07:00.000+09:00

Chilso - Discipline.

You Know You Want Some

2007-10-07T08:43:00.000+09:00

Ahah! This thing still works! I wondered.

Pardon my busy schedule...I have been busy "dismantling" my "nuclear programme" and blowing sunshine out my ass at that southern puppet. Here, have some phallic mushrooms, the ladies love them! Try 'em with tapioca pudding!

I wonder if I even have a Plan B any more. The Syrians have not been answering my letters. The Iranians are spazzing out and, of course, Vlad the Inhaler is too busy rattling sabers to treat with me.

I might have to start posting blogs more often now that my Hentai World Premium subscription has lapsed.

Korean Word of the Quarter

2007-09-06T00:44:00.000+09:00

Jima - Skirt.

Ajima - Woman (Coincidence?)

What Does This Mean?

2007-09-03T11:06:00.000+09:00

I did not know Khadafi was "the ghey." He did not close his eyes when I kissed him.

Drying Out

2007-09-03T10:45:00.001+09:00

Anybody out there? I thought not. Too much going on out there -- Vlad is pretending he is Brezhnev with all the bomber flights...but do you think he would carry out his delusion to its proper end and resume showering the DPRK with oil, funds, technology, and Ukrainian masseuses, just like the old days? Not even a shipment of MiGs! Hello, Putikins! It is your Brother in Marxist Socialism here! Perhaps he is not so interested since I am not so beef cake as he (have you seen the pictures?) ... I am more SPAMcake; a spicy ham slice that all the ajimas adore. Yes, I know SPAM...I only get two bottles of Hennessey through the "pipeline" a month, but the Yankee morons are too dense to mark Hormel Heaven as a luxury item to be embargoed. I can trust you to be quiet on this issue, no?

I Wonder

2007-08-29T02:17:00.001+09:00

What does Pit Bull taste like?

Bungholes

2007-08-29T01:42:00.001+09:00

Just great. It would be nice to come back to blogging with some great news like The Sanctions are Gone! Or We've found a cure for that annoying rash that pops up once in a while! No, I come back to curse you and the issue from your loins. You know who you are, you offspring of mongrel dogs. You umaektongs who sign me up for US candidate newsletters. Do you do me a favor by this, you think? Will getting cozy with that loser Senator Biden help the Peoples Republic one bit? And this greasy Romney Moron? Mormon? Marmot? Be real. At least no one has signed me up for a Fred Thompson letter; I do not want him to even know I am alive!

I figured out that it is not my web cadre signing this. Cost me three vials of pentathol and one intern to find out. They would not spell my name so badly.

Keeper

2007-07-26T01:54:00.000+09:00

I hate the Japs

2007-07-26T00:51:00.001+09:00

Must have my photo cadre fix this.

So They Say

2007-07-26T00:44:00.001+09:00

Busy

2007-07-17T22:52:00.001+09:00

Finally shut down that darned reactor at Yongbyon! That thing scared the crap out me, if I may be candid. I am not saying we Koreans suck at technology... we did invent the three-man shovel after all, but I lost a lot of sleep after the Russians left. Our Paki warheads are safely buried at an undisclosed mountain redoubt; I will probably give up the home-builts to the UN Atomheads... damned things probably do not work any way. Not that I have any faith in Pakistani nukes... let them wonder. Now the Damned Japs are splashing glowing green goo all over the place after an earthquake. Way to go, sh!theads! Out of concern for public safety, I have instructed the Border Guards to hose down any incoming Japs and run them past the radiation detector. I like my women hot, but radioactive, no.

Who Wants Targets?

2007-06-24T07:37:00.001+09:00

Made up a gross of these for the office girls. This one has been used.

I am making another featuring my backside. These I will hand out at Party headquarters.

Fancy Pants Japs

2007-06-15T05:29:00.000+09:00

Ooo, look at me! I am sitting on some kind of modern art sculpture! What is with that?

Czech, Please

2007-06-15T05:26:00.000+09:00

Word is the Gift Shop is impressive.

Purge

2007-05-31T08:01:00.000+09:00

I discovered many blogs on my blog roll post even less than I do...to an unacceptable level. It seems the blog cadre is too meek to weed these out on their own, so I needed to issue a directive. {Sigh} The drawbacks of being a despot, no matter how benevolent.

I am too busy running the greatest country in the world to do a lot of blog skiing, so why do not my readers recommend good blogs to rejuvenate the blog roll? Twenty words or less in comments describing your blog greatness and attraction. If you are a sexy kitten like Michelle Malkin, just send picture.

Went for a Ride Today

2007-05-31T00:59:00.000+09:00

I Got It

2007-05-21T10:54:00.000+09:00

We are trying out a new blog/graphics cadre, this time a pair from Bratislava who left behind some entanglements in their home country. A caption contest by one of my blogrollees will be a good start.

He suggested the imperial imperialist should have been deployed and all members of his unit issued nametapes with the names "Wales." Almost clever. Why issue nametapes at all? I do not. They are all roughly the same size and have only four or five different family names among them. So when the laundry functionary returns with uniforms, you take what you are issued.

I hope the prince is not allergic to vinalon.

Puppet Fight!

2007-05-17T00:09:00.000+09:00

Here, read this...I will wait.

Now look at this. On this day in 1961, tanks led by the murderous puppet-General Pak Chung-hui rolled through the streets of Puppet Town Seoul and launched a coup d'etat against the less-organized Puppets. You would think this would be momentous enough to get a damned line in Wikipedia, no?

I mean my holes-in-one on the golf course are routine enough, but military juntas crushing thousands of our brothers in the South beneath their tanks -- that does not quite happen daily. Well, now the Americans do it.

For all its faults, Wikipedia fills my nights with interesting reading. I must get my scholars working on a real Norkipedia.

Papa So

2007-05-04T07:14:00.000+09:00

I have been busier than one-armed man doing manual labor requiring two hands.

What do you think? Close the reactor? Sell the bombs? Hire a new photoshop artist? Some writers would be nice, but those cost. Sure I could enlist some north Koreans to write blogs for me, but you know the kind of excremental prose they produce.

T-Shirts and T-Shirt models! That is what I need! You westerners with your wearing underwear in public fixation. My Father's face should be more widely displayed than that Argentine Gueverra.

Chosungul Superiority

2007-05-04T07:10:00.000+09:00

Hanja characters just wear the girls out.

Grab Them By the Balls

2007-04-11T02:44:00.000+09:00

And Their Hearts and Minds Will Follow

I think my Daddy said that. His Birthday is next week.

That is Not a Pony, Darling Child

2007-04-11T02:21:00.000+09:00

Santoki

2007-04-05T09:46:00.000+09:00

Now that the Speaker Pelosi has taken over as Foreign Minister, does Candy Rice have time to visit me? Must I kidnap some Americans to get any attention around here?

Like my new snowsuit? It just shouts Sexual Prowess! And gets UHF.

They Call ME Evil?

2007-04-05T09:36:00.000+09:00

Get Out of Korea!

2007-03-14T19:01:00.000+09:00

You are 55% ready to get out of Korea

Book your departure flight immediately, then keep yourself tanked up on soju until you can get out of the country. It is people like you who see through the curtain of mystic Asian crap and explode unexpectedly. They know they are full of crap and do not need you to point it out to them. Go on and get out before you hurt yourself.

The "Is It Time To Get Out of Korea?" Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Hat tip to Seoul Man

So it was written for foreigners. We can do better! Can you?

Which describes your Korean Girl situation?
A. Mothers bring their pubescent daughters to you to sire children and receive extra rations.
B. Mothers introduce their daughters to you.
C. Daughters date you on the sly from their disapproving parents.
D. Girls are US$20 or a bottle of Jack Daniels.
E. Girls are US$100; double if the fleet is in.
F. Korean Girls cannot be had; they import whores from underdeveloped countries now.
G. Prostitution is illegal. That fat Alabama chick (with the mustache) is starting to look good.

Time for a Purge

2007-03-12T16:05:00.000+09:00

If Western propaganda reports any firing squads active here in the DPRK, it is me having my internet cadre stood up against a wall and shot. The curs have been taking liberties with my blog account Email. They may have been well-meaning advancing the cause of world socialism, but their actions have clogged my inbox with whiny requests for money. They should be sending ME money! And cognac! And a nice pentium laptop...no Vista, please!

Birthday Dumplings...Umm!

2007-02-17T01:55:00.000+09:00

What a week, dear readers! Bush's boy caved at the negotiating table, Putin financed my Blogger upgrade, the "little woman" went on a shopping trip, and it's my Birthday!

Excuse me, I must get back to the party.

I Love These

2007-02-09T05:30:00.000+09:00

Enjoy.

Escape?

2007-02-09T04:30:00.000+09:00

Escape?

Three words: Free. Range. Prisoners.

Do not have to feed them.
Do not have to keep them warm.
If they fall down and bust their heads open, it is no skin off my teeth.

Hello, Comrades

2007-02-07T08:21:00.000+09:00

Last month, my blog cadre was contacted by a major American propaganda organ wanting to publish a feature on my little window to the internet. I am not supposed to say which one. Suffice it to say, my photoshop cadre defected to the west via Japan with $US visions in their eyes, but the long arm of the state security bureau wrung their ungrateful, scrawny necks before they saw one copper penny. I believe this action pissed in the propaganda functionary's corn flakes, since I have not seen my brief interview published anywhere. Whatever.

The five party talks. I got some good concessions to return to the table. No mention of that counterfeiting cowdung or my foreign currency-raising pharmaceutical exports. The Chinese tipped in a case of Hennessey and two indentured Indonesian masseuses. V. Putin even offered to upgrade my Blogger account free of charge. What a guy.

Stop it, you People!

2007-01-28T07:04:00.000+09:00

Those Wacky Wonsaniacs

2007-01-23T10:04:00.000+09:00

Korean Word of the Month -

Migoon - US Forces

"Me Goon."

Okay, you are a goon. Now sign the surrender and get off the peninsula.

Distractions

2007-01-14T07:33:00.000+09:00

Just exploring leveraging my regime's core competencies vis a vis a major paradigm shift in an ever-changing world market.

I have been reading.

2007-01-10T06:07:00.000+09:00

Monkey Business

2007-01-05T09:48:00.000+09:00

I recall some years ago when my Father still ruled in person on this Earth, I enjoyed the canape and cocktail routine of the diplomatic community here in the Capital. All the big names of the Non-Aligned Movement (or rather their deputies) would grace our receptions, drink our booze, nod enthusiastically during lectures on the Juche Idealogy, then in the end, leave their orders for machine guns and ammunition with the defense ministry.

At one such reception, a large dark man spoke glowingly of the Soviet aircraft his budding air force was acquiring. When I mentioned that we could supply technical expertise in a mutually agreeable service contract to our socialist brothers, a marshal took me aside and exclaimed that these MIGs were of a model more advanced than ours. Krunchy kimchi, did I turn red! What did these chimps have that the DPRK did not? Okay...oil, diamonds, rubber, and heavy metals are all good answers. The big ape finally consented to a windscreen-washing contract at their training base for a sum of wicker baskets to be named at a future date.

We still do well enough with some of the NAM republics, and will do even better when our factories are powered by cheap, reliable atomic energy. On the other end of the supply chain, our trade representatives proudly bring Juche, socialist fraternity, and ingenuity to the masses afar. Pictured above is one comrade who fielded our new, improved bayonet retention springs.

Latest from the Chosen Soren

2007-01-05T09:32:00.000+09:00

Another reason Koreans living abroad should be brought back for occasional refreshing indoctrination. Things like this mess your head.

Korean Word of the Month

2007-01-01T08:38:00.000+09:00

Yonmal/Yonsi - Year End/Beginning. A very busy time here, with all the production reports, projections, and receptions to attend. This year, I am handing out some low-end iPod things to favorite attendants and staff (even the sample bottles of cognac I was once so free with are getting scarce). These were pre-loaded with a selection of martial music from the 243 Military Unit Glee Club. I love them during my brisk morning walks (and there is nothing like rough sex to the tune of "There is No Fatherland Without You").

Treat Me Like a Nuclear Power!

2006-12-19T09:41:00.000+09:00

Yes! Like China and Britain! And Russia and India! And...um...France and Pakistan. Oh. Nevermind. Is Time's Man of the Year to much to ask? What is the deal with that?

Get Them Young

2006-11-30T08:23:00.000+09:00

Fresh

2006-11-22T02:18:00.000+09:00

Joy

2006-11-16T23:09:00.000+09:00

Many thanks to the fishmonger Lost Nomad and fraternal socialist noraebang fans worldwide for your outpour of attention to my musical stylings. How does this translate into a metal record? Zinc? Bronze? I have the prerequisite groupies. I would go into the studio and slice a recording, but they are contractual obligated to a Simpsons subcontract.

Born in the DPRK

2006-11-15T14:17:00.000+09:00

One of my many readers had found one of my noraebang posts in my archives and asked for the rest of the lyrics to my Springsteen tribute song, Born in the DPRK:

Born down in a farmer's ville
The first slap I took I had to take the chance
To say my piece and to eat my fill
Cuz the rest of my my life, I eat bark and ants

[chorus:]
Born in the DPRK
Born in the DPRK
Born in the DPRK
Born in the DPRK

I got in a little hometown jam
And so they put a shovel in my hands
Sent me off to till the land
Gonna be a monaegi man

[chorus]

Got a job at Kimchaek Iron Works
The cadre said I seemed to lack the zeal
I got the shit and they got the perks
How's a peasant supposed to feel?

[chorus]

I had a comrade at Kaesong
Facing the South, we know they're wrong
I'm still here, but he's all gone

Now he's gotta girl in Pyongtaek City
Heard she's pregnant, but she's not pretty.

Down in the shadow of the gulag fence
Wonder if I got a bit of sense
I'm ten years down the road
Nowhere to run, ain't got nowhere to go

I'm a dead-end dissident in the DPRK
Born in the DPRK
I'm a dead man walking in the DPRK
Born in the DPRK

Quite the song, no? Do you think I could make it in Nashwood?

Leftovers Again

2006-11-15T02:47:00.000+09:00

Ah, Summer

2006-11-09T23:50:00.000+09:00

Two More Years

2006-11-09T23:18:00.000+09:00

If I do not salvo all my missiles by then, I might have the surrender of America in my hands by 2008--if their new national assembly does not clap Bush and his murderous clique in irons sooner. That Nancy Pelosi is quite the ruthless firebrand minx. I bet she is wild in bed.

Who?

2006-11-05T09:09:00.000+09:00

Which of you jolly jokers signed me up for this? Am I going to win something?

Maekju?

2006-11-05T08:35:00.000+09:00

They are either out of bottles or that was a damned long bus trip with no facilities!

Ha! That was a joke.

Beer is the beverage of farmers. I never touch the stuff, but Marshal Hong is a connoisseur of the frothy barley pop. Blindfolded he can discern Chongdo from Kirin, Najin Lite from Kumgang Draft. What a useless talent.

The Axis powers threaten to strangle my cognac pipeline with their sanctions. I laugh as I behold my strategic reserves; my liver will give out before my liquor cabinet does! I just have to cut off my drinking companions. They can drink beer.

Are My Comments Broken?

2006-10-24T22:42:00.000+09:00

Oh! I bet it is that you are all afraid of getting SWIFTed by the Bush spy bureau! I can see how that would prevent you from saying "Hey, Beloved Leader, great post! Your photoshop cadre should be decorated!" Actually, that used to happen, until I found out it was my photoshoppers themselves doing it. State Security found the sockpuppets out; I had them reassigned to the information ministry (with great cut in pay and perks), where they now languish digitally adding cars and people to the Pyongyang photos we publish.

Peace, Out, Comrades!

Mianhajianta

2006-10-24T22:13:00.000+09:00

Who could be so gob-stoppingly stupid as to imagine I would apologize for testing the nuclear weapons to which I am entitled?

When I heard that news following the Tan visit, I wondered if he had ~~switched his diplo pouch with one of ours and sampled some of the product!~~ been at the sauce! Certainly, if my foreign minister were to issue any kind of apology, it would be one of those Bush-style "regret that your underpants are in a wad over this."

We Have Been HACKED!

2006-10-20T10:23:00.000+09:00

HEADS WILL ROLL!

Korean Word of the Month

2006-10-20T08:32:00.000+09:00

Mi-nyo: "Babe"

Got a frantic call from my Seventh Corps commander last night. He complains that there are gaggles of photographers in China taking pictures of my troops from across the Amnok (the Chinese call it Yalu) River. This is causing some stir among the troops. Why can not the west be happy with the pictures we send them from Pyongyang? All the goodlooking troops are stationed here! Some stringer for Reuters is so hungry for pictures of of my people, he deserves what he gets for snooping around the provinces. Still, it is giving some of the troops quite a complex. Some soldiers have been disciplined for preening in front of mirrors before standing watch. This "turd polishing" is a waste of socialist resources; I mean, have you ever seen Uiju Girls? Can you say "born at the top of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down?"

I brought this matter up in the steamroom this morning where I was "taking the cure" and my information minister had the bright idea of shipping some of the capital girls to the Amnok Watch to "put our best face" in front of their cameras. If anything, it might cheer up the Uiju guys, but what about when the camera-clickers go away? He did not think through this very thoroughly.

You Aint Nothing But a Capitalist Dog

2006-10-18T01:21:00.000+09:00

My Caption Contest functionary has been posted to Hwadae to test rocks for radioaction...he only drew 4 readers! I will not declare a winner without a quorum, especially since none of them stirred me to commission a bronze statue in the image of the winner.

Eager to curry favor, and perhaps avoid a similar fate, my Photoshop cadre pointed out a Caption-Photo contest at one of the blogs on my blogroll. We shall give it the Good Old Communist Speed-Battle Try.

We I won! The celebrations have been going on all day!

DPRK: NUCLEAR Sexual Paradise

2006-10-15T06:19:00.000+09:00

New: I have seen this picture banded about in the news and blog sites lately, so I dredge up this post from 2004.11 for your education.

James Joyner at Outside the Beltway links to James Dunnigan who says that south Korea is no longer a sexual paradise. Well, duh! Capitalism ruins everything! See this picture above? All those lights are misguided capitalists out looking for sex. Up North, everybody getting some, no need to be out. The Democratic Peoples Republic has superior culture! Why waste energy chasing poji when political functionary cadre assign you willing and dutiful bunkmate, no? And have you seen the makeup caked up on those money-grubbing prostitutes? No need for that in the paradise which is North Korea; in the dark, they all look like Lucy Liu, am I right?